party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
