I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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