Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
