I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
