We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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