We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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