Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
