i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
