All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The adults are the big ones right?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
