She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
