Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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