OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wear drunk well.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
