i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
