There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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