the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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