so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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