So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
