You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
