He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
