I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
