alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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