I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
