Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
