Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
