I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
