Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
