If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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