He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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