In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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