Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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