I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
