I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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