just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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