I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
