I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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