She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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