If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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