My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
