There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
