just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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