Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
