Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
