no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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