hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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