If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
