you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
