I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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