I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
