checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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