So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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