I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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