the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
