I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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