I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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