Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
