tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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