What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
