dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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