i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
