wat bout pragnant strippers??
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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