my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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